My youth was filled with an overwhelmingly egotistical frame of mind. I possessed both the obscene notion of immortality and a glaring lack of self-awareness. The sense of infinite life stemmed from a lack of major injury or sickness to a certain degree but was more so caused by an unshakeable confidence in my abilities, and a willpower which fundamentally lacked a stable foundation. A dangerous combination, and an unhealthy mindset.
For the combination of confidence and willpower without a legitimate backing is a recipe for failure; it is not a matter of if, but when it crumbles. Without the necessary qualities needed to pursue my lofty goals and the lack of intuition required to adjust my character, I willed myself into a position which I was not ready for. The exposure to stresses which I had not adequately prepared myself for, shattered me. I underwent a complete ego death. Up until that point, my willpower and confidence alone were enough to pull me through any and all obstacles.
The harsh reality of an ill-prepared for endeavor without an escape route is nightmarish. What have I gotten myself into? Why did I do this to myself? became the more important question. It was my own free will, and stubbornness to explore the path which I had chosen. I had closed so many doors and shot down so many offers, self-limiting for no other reason than egotistical tunnel-vision. I blame this largely on a lack of experimentation, zero knowledge of breathing techniques or meditation, and a narcissistic viewpoint which hushed all other possibilities.
It is only now that I can look back with a relatively clear perspective and an open mind with which to evaluate my historical shortcomings. Shunning my emotions, denying my soul, and exploiting others for the sake of proving my cunning…it is no wonder that I had become so spiritually blind and unhappy. I was not a good person, to say the least. I used people. I had tunnel vision due in part to my juggling of lies, constant production of a charade of good character, and a busy schedule.
Despite my shaky past, I am content knowing that I have sidestepped a way of life which would have certainly led to a continual unhappy existence, and an early grave. I have come such a long way in terms of self-awareness, spiritual growth, and conscious thought, that I can scarcely remember how toxic my frame of mind used to be. I cannot encapsulate the mindset of my past, but I can easily look at the effects that it had produced in all of my surroundings. What a mess I had made. Not a day goes by that I do not ask forgiveness for the people I have hurt, the time I have squandered, and the energy I have wasted.
That being said, since the beginning of my transformation, I have explored the world a bit, found a beautiful and loving wife, and have a healthy baby on the way. I have mended most of my relationships, made up for the majority of my wrongdoings, and am doing my best to maintain a positive trajectory. The contrast between now and then is stark beyond measure, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to have lived and learned.