Navy vs. Air Force (An Account of a “Football Game”)

I took my three-year-old son to a college football game approximately a week ago. It was between the United States Naval Academy (Navy) and the United States Air Force Academy (Air Force). I would like to say that the premise of the event centered around a football game, but viewing the event through the eyes of my three-year-old son made it apparent that it was so much more than that. Before the game started, a squadron of fighter jets flew over the stadium. This was followed by five paratroopers that jumped out of a plane and gracefully landed on the field about thirty yards away. The entire Navy football event was centered around patriotism, nationalism, structured inter-institutional competitiveness, and social habituation. That may sound vague. Frankly, the whole event felt like a vague expression of traditionalist nationalism.

I people-watched most of the event. I loved seeing the general trend of the attendees (straight-edge conservative types) with a dash of hippies, a sprinkle of underage patrons who had yet to fully assimilate, and a wide variety of characters who didn’t quite fit the mold. My son and I walked around in relatively outspoken Hawaiian shirts that were commented on repeatedly. I assume the lack of conformity made people uncomfortable? Or, perhaps they truly were “rad” shirts. I will currently assume the former. Either way, it was fun to stand out in a way that subtly ruffled feathers indirectly.

It was interesting to explain the acts and actions surrounding the opening ceremony in particular. Explaining why 4,000+ people were wearing the same outfit and walking in unison onto the field was another piece altogether. I dared not explain that it was an impressive show of brainwashing and coercion on the part of our federal government, but rather, a collective expression of our innate human need for meaning, purpose, and affiliation. I doubt he understood most of it. I figured that it was worth the effort regardless of his apparent inability to comprehend why everyone was standing up as a piece of multi-colored cloth rose slowly up a massive metal pole, why everyone put their hands across their hearts, why a small group of teenagers yelled “Oh!” during, and why everyone could sit back down afterward.

I thought, “Wait a second. Why do we do all of these things?” I have been doing these things my whole life. I marched onto that field over ten years ago. I wore that white uniform. I bought into everything that I had been told. I was convinced of the prestige. I had taken part in the collaborative effort to extinguish the Middle East’s influence on our sovereignty. I had been a cog in that massive wheel that perpetuated the belief in “something more”. I am still a cog in an even larger wheel that supplies the funding for both institutions essentially just from being alive and a law-abiding citizen in this relatively peaceful and democratic society.

I began to once again question the socially constructed habits. I began to view the Navy football ceremony and all of its pieces as powerful pageantry; and nothing more. The belief in those symbols is what gave those actions power. It is that same belief that gives power to institutional symbols, colors, and culture. It is that same belief that provides the infrastructure that supports those institutions through tax dollars generated by the belief in cultural norms and habituations that perpetuate the cyclical motion of economic turnover. Nothing new. Sociology is riddled with reasons for this behavior. Seeing all of these events through the eyes of my toddler reminded me that so much of life happens unconsciously (especially as we get older).

Not all of the Navy football game seems extraneous, useless, or superfluous. Not by any means. Those powerful constructs provide so much meaning and purpose to lives that may have been riddled with incongruity, listlessness, and a lack of motivation. They are the bulwark against a life lived without a sense of purpose, however, it seems rather trivial to say that any of it should exist, to begin with. That is not to say that if you begin to unravel the reasons as to why they won’t lead you to rational and objective reasons that make sense based on historic events. I guess answering his rather trivial questions allowed me to see the entire event through a new lens. However, the more it changes, the more it stays the same.

shttps://www.espn.com/college-football/game/_/gameId/401301004

Who/What Am I?

So. Here I am. Again. Where is “here”? Who is “I”? “I” am apparently some relatively intelligent ape (relative in terms of other life on this planet, although I think dolphins and whales are relatively intelligent as well (among other beings)). Also, relatively in terms of other apes on this planet. Is that the “here”? -a water-covered rock orbiting an insignificant star in a galaxy among potentially trillions of other galaxies? “Again”? In terms of blogging? Sitting in front of my laptop? Being human? Having this sensational experience? I am unsure of how many times I have actually performed any and all of those. I have a first-person perspective of my fingers tapping out the letters to this blog post. Who is moving the fingers? Who is tapping the keys? Am I in control of this action? Who is “I” again?

Often times I look in the mirror and I see “myself”. I see the familiar features and the familiar expressions. I see the hazel eyes that seem to change color with my mood and what I’m wearing. I see my broken nose and deviated septum. I see how I have aged. I see all of it. That’s who “I” am. Right? That is “me”. The ape. The intelligent ape on this water-covered rock. Okay. That’s fine. I’ll accept that. But, what am I doing here? What is my purpose? Why do “I” exist? Millions of years of evolution…following countless eons of matter (mostly dark) and energy (mostly dark) colliding and combining (apparently the stars, planets, and galaxies that can be seen make up only 4 percent of the known universe and the other 96 percent is made of stuff astronomers can’t see, detect, or even comprehend) to produce…me. And all of you. Okay. But, for what? To experience and learn from each other? Maybe. Maybe not.

If the known universe is mostly unknown to our sensory experience…am “I” too, unknown to myself? Can I “see” or “know” myself in my basest form? Just as astronomers cannot truly experience the cosmos for what it is, am I not a microcosm of the incomprehensible fabric from which I have sprung? Are we universal anomalies? Cosmic accidents? I mean, if you look around at the state of the globe, it makes sense as to why we may deem ourselves as accidents. What a terrible mess we have made of our planet. In the name of what? Status? Economic fame? Fame in general? Recognition? – superficial symbols that are socially constructed to begin with. What good is money when it can’t buy a functioning ecological system? What good is space travel when species are going extinct at an unprecedented rate? What good is fame when there is no clean water to drink? What good is status when it is too hot to venture outdoors? What a comical mess we have made of things here. And for what? So other “intelligent” apes will validate who “we” are and what we are doing? Disturbing at best.

The other notion that crosses my mind is solipsism. Solipsism, for those of you who don’t know, is the concept that the “self” is all that can be known to exist. All of the aforementioned concepts are constructs of my own doing. All of it. The universe. Time. Space. Self. Travel. Species. Intelligence. All of it. It is my own subjective experience and all of you reading this are as well. Bizarre. I know. I can’t truly convince myself otherwise, however, for the sake of my own mental well-being, and likely for the sake of all of you, I will refrain from crawling down that rabbit hole. Let’s just say that at the very least, all of you are experiencing your own version of solipsism…funny to think about, I know. All of you intelligent apes could think that you are the center of the universe, and no intelligent ape (or higher power of your own construction) could prove you otherwise. Comical at best.

“Consciousness just ‘is’…” I heard that from a well-known guru recently. Profound. But, also, how commonly apathetic. Okay. Awesome. This (this whole experience) just “is”. It is like the air we breathe. It is inescapable. We need not think about it because we cannot contextualize our experience without it to begin with. All of our thinking/intelligence etc. is ineffective because of well, in my opinion, technically solipsism. Lol. Also comical. But, in all due respect…aren’t all answers for our existential questions? What a terrible bore this life would be if we knew all of the answers. I can only hope that we know very little…and even at the end, we are only given enough of a sliver of information to continue our infinite journey (if our journey is actually infinite, if we need “information”, or if we are actually on a “journey” to begin with). No answers. Only questions. As of now, this experience is rather nice. Sensations are an incredible thing. If this post is making you feel down (and even if it’s not) take a second to realize all of the events and people that must have existed in order for you to come across this post. It is the most incredible thing you have ever experienced…I say this because the past may not actually exist…and neither may the future. But, thank you for joining me. I hope all is well.

Memorial

I recently attended my late uncle’s memorial service. He was 63 years old. My uncle worked hard his whole life, raised a family, and had many hobbies. At the end of 63 years, a brief memorial service was held, a slideshow of good times was presented, and his workplace (the FBI) sent a bouquet. His life was encapsulated in those signs of honor, affection, and memorial. And that was it. Not that the service lacked significance or meaning, it was just bizarre to me that an entire lifetime could be bundled into such a neat little package. He will live on in our lives only as a memory from this point forward. That is both fascinating and a little scary to me.

We are only here for a short time. At the end of it, we will live on only as a memory in the lives of those whom we have left an impression. And on a long enough time scale, even the memories will fade into obliteration. This provides relief in terms of nullifying the need to take life too seriously, but also makes me teeter on the verge of not taking it seriously at all. Do I need to take it seriously? Do any of us? “Seriously” is a relative term I suppose. On the one hand the memorial service made me want to squeeze out every last drop of the time I have left, and on the other hand it made me want to take a step back, recenter, and focus on the present. Wouldn’t forcing the issue only make time go by more quickly and disallow us from being fully present as we focus on leapfrogging from one experience to the next? I suppose a balance is needed.

Take things seriously that require a serious approach. Treat everything else with a lantern (rather than a laser) consciousness and immerse yourself in the experience. Notice all of the subtle nuances; all of the sounds, tastes, textures, sights, and smells. Be fully present. Because in the end, the present is all we have. Our linear view of life due to the unrelenting direction of the “arrow of time” (we continually progress towards the past) leaves us feeling as if we are watching the grains of sand in our hourglass slowly drop right before our eyes. The other facet to consider is that our hourglass may break at any moment. Here today and gone tomorrow. Gone this instant. If you knew this next hour was your last, would you treat it differently? Would you treat yourself differently? Would you treat others differently? What would you say? To whom would you say it?

We spend so much of our existence lost in the infinite pool of thoughts between our ears. We are both the speaker and the listener and so much of what we experience (if not all of it) is subjected to our preconceived notions, biases, and projections. Experiencing “reality” for what it truly is, is limited by our sensory faculties as well as the tools that humanity has made. So much of reality cannot be truly experienced in its basest form. We are left with what we have been given and what we have managed to create. To be blunt, I think that is more than enough. In the Information Age, there is never of lack of learning to be done, new things to see, new people to meet, or new places to experience. To be bored is to be boring. Branch out. Meet new people. Do new things. Visit new places. Learn as much as possible to enrich your experience. To do otherwise would be a waste of life. In my humble opinion at least…so, on second thought… do as you please. Spend your life however you deem fit. No answers. Only questions. I hope you all find the combination of peace, clarity, and contentedness that seems to constantly elude me.

What’s New?

So much has changed this year. Where do I even begin? I suppose the most significant event has been the birth of my second son, Saxon Richard Cook. Saxon was nearly 11 lbs at birth, and is now 3 months old. Overall he has been relaxed and sleeps most of the day (I almost forget that he is here). It has been so much fun to see him interact with his older brother, Olyn, who recently turned 3 years old. I daydream about how their relationship will progress as siblings. I am hoping they become and remain close throughout their lives.

In other news, I am close to the halfway mark of completing a Master of Public Administration degree from Villanova University. The program has been more intensive and immersive than I was expecting, and has been very rewarding so far. I am also halfway through a full-time Pathways Internship with NASA. It too, has been better than I anticipated and a very rewarding experience. I have been working on their social media development plan, and I am also looking to improve their search engine optimization. I am unsure whether or not I will continue to pursue federal employment, or pursue a Ph.D. in public administration. I may decide to pursue several internships over the course of the next year before classes begin in the fall of 2022 (should I be accepted and pursue a Ph.D.).

Aside from my son’s birth, and new school and work opportunities, there are several other events of note. My uncle recently passed away at the age of 63. My grandparents have now lost 3 of their 6 children, and their second son in two years. Having children of my own, I cannot wrap my mind around the pain and grief that losing a child must cause (let alone three). My oldest brother has purchased my father’s house and is going to renovate it/keep it in the family. He is still living and working with three children in D.C. My older brother is still surfing/modeling in NYC. And my youngest brother completed a six month voyage at sea, and will be moving to the Austin area in a month or two.

Outside of these major events, there is not much to report on. Life in southern Maryland is slow and peaceful (almost too much so). We live in a small neighborhood in a rural are that is quiet and safe. As I’m typing this, it is starting to feel like I need to add some more excitement/entertainment into my life. It is becoming a bit monotonous. We shall see what I can come up with I suppose. Onward and upward.

Game Changer

Four days ago I was prescribed a low dose of Vyvanze. I had recently been struggling with focus, impulsivity, and follow-through on tasks. Twenty years of contact sports had taken their toll on my brain, and the results were markedly clear in SPECT scan imaging. Not only was there a decrease in activity and damage to several regions, but, it also showed common trademark aspects of ADD/ADHD both in the scans and in the cognitive tests I had received. The results of the addition of Vyvanze into my life has been nothing short of remarkable. I truly wish I had been prescribed a similar medication for the past fifteen years.

My energy is clean, consistent, and sufficient. My focus and follow-through have drastically improved. And my impulsivity is relatively under control (for example, my screen-time has been reduced by about 2/3). In the past few days I have completed tasks with astounding ease that I had previously been putting off for months on end. I am ahead on all of the household tasks to the degree that there is no need for a to-do list tomorrow. The areas where the laundry used to pile up, and the dishes used to stack next to the sink, are now spic and span. I no longer hesitate or procrastinate on tasks. I act, and I act in the moment. It has truly been a night and day experience so far.

I no longer dread making administrative phone calls or sending emails. I wake up earlier, workout more often, I am more productive and goal-oriented throughout the day, and I sleep more soundly. I no longer feel the need to nap in the afternoon, and my mood is calmer and more stable. I look forward to the following day, and I am excited for what it has in store for me. I read double the amount of pages I had previously been reading, and even my handwriting has improved. I am not “tooting my own horn,” but I am merely providing evidence for the huge difference that such a small change has made.

I am looking forward to what can be accomplished now that I am properly medicated. I haven’t felt this much clarity, focus, and consistency in nearly a decade. I am finally beginning to once again feel like a fully-capable and high-performing individual. Over the course of just today, I have a renewed interest in social psychology (listened to a 2.5 hour podcast), learning languages (lessons in German and Norwegian on Duolingo), and even pulled out a saxophone to give it a try (didn’t go so well). I have a renewed vigor and lust for life, I have set new goals, and I feel ready to reach for them. I am eternally indebted to the team of doctors and professionals that have provided me with the care I so desperately needed, and I am forever grateful for a second chance at life. For those of you struggling with similar problems, I highly recommend speaking to your doctor about possible solutions.

It’s Been 188 Days…

188 days. That sum seems far from real. Is 7/20/20 really that far behind me already? Summer faded. Fall flew by. Winter still has me in its grips. Why haven’t I been writing routinely? In large part, I haven’t had the urge. I’ve been taking care of my son for the majority of most of those days. I’ve also been reading and painting as my emotional and artistic outlets. The lack of consistent writing isn’t the concern. The real concern is what have I truly done with all of that time? What have I accomplished in the nearly 200 days that have streamed by like a technicolor ribbon?

I suppose without a traditional measuring stick, it is difficult to say what I have accomplished in that time span. While I’m thinking about it, however, I am reminded that I have done my due diligence as a father. The quality time I have been able to spend with my two and half year old son will pay dividends down the road. It makes me realize how truly lucky I am to be able to spend so much time with him. There are times when I need space from him. And there are times when I lose patience with him. But, he continually reminds me to stay present, seek novelty, maintain a borderline childlike indifference, and to acknowledge the miracle of the time he and I get to spend together.

I have flashbacks of a vague outline of my routine: large mason jar of water, 1 liter french press of coffee, bike ride, reading, walk or bike ride with Olyn, play time, nap time, play time, bike ride, bed time. Over and over again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. It is beginning to feel like groundhog day. During the course of those borderline monotonous days, I have taught him his letters, shapes, colors, numbers, and a wide variety of things that surprise most others. I guess it hasn’t been all for naught. But, at the same time, I can’t help but feel guilt for not doing more for the world at large. However, if I raise Olyn to be a better person than I am, I suppose that in a way, I have performed my duties as a human being for the betterment of the species.

Does that mean I should be content? Does ensuring the well-being of my progeny prove my worth? I feel like there isn’t a clear-cut answer. It seems more intricate than that. Shouldn’t I be contributing to society as a whole, rather than ensuring my son is a more capable member than myself? Does it truly matter in the long run? Does anything at that rate? I suppose I must strike a balance between the continuation of my family in a positive direction, and the perpetuation of the social, cultural, and national spheres in which I have lived. Or do I?

So much of me is looking for a way to break the mold. I don’t want to be just another brick in the wall. I want to be autonomous. I want to be free and independent. It is easier said than done, but I am positive that it is possible. I am still unsure of how I am going to go about making this happen, but, I am positive that I will be be able to if I apply myself correctly. We shall see. In the meantime, I am going to focus on what is within my control. I am looking forward to spending more time with Olyn, and the arrival of our second in late March. Onwards and upwards. -TRC

What’s New?

I haven’t written a blog post since June 12th. My laptop has been sitting on a side table for over a month. I have passed by and glanced at it innumerable times since then. I just haven’t had the urge to write. I have been fully immersed in raising a toddler as a stay-at-home-dad, and that has kept me more than busy. He is now 27 months old and becoming such a handful. His speech has increased dramatically and his motor skills are highly impressive at times. We are learning to play tee-ball and lacrosse, running races, exploring for animals and insects, and enjoying learning words, shapes, colors, and numbers.

The necessity of seeing the world on his level has allowed me to return to a child-like consciousness. I am seeing everything through a new lens, and as if I am seeing them for the first time. It is a good reminder of the miraculous intricacies all around us. I have learned more about insects in the past few months than I have in the first thirty years of my life. This experience is also a reminder that there is ALWAYS something to learn. The world is full of so many minute details that we take for granted. I am so grateful for the opportunity to see the world anew once again.

My wife turned 28 years old on July 4th, and has become a freelance web-developer and mindset coach. She will also be starting a coding course with JHU this August. To top it all off, she is pregnant with our second child. She thinks it will be a girl, however, my son and I think that it will be another boy. I am hopeful for another boy, because it is in my comfort zone coming from a family of four boys. The idea of having a girl is almost too hard for me to imagine. I’m sure that if we did end up having a girl, that I would be smitten from the beginning and would soon enjoy a new childcare experience. I am fine with either one, as long as they are happy and healthy.

It has been a year since the passing of my father, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him dearly. He would have had so much fun with his grandson. One of my brothers is modeling in New York, and surfing daily in Rockaway. My oldest brother has three young children, is working for the DOD, and lives in Georgetown. My youngest brother is a merchant mariner in Texas. Because of the pandemic, we have not seen each other in almost six months. I am excited for a much-needed reunion when things normalize.

My life now revolves around my toddler and taking care of the needs of my pregnant wife who is wearing many hats. I find solace in not being the center of my world. Living for others is truly a humbling experience. I am so lucky to be able to spend so much time with my family. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am looking forward to things normalizing and being able to see my family and friends again on a regular basis. That’s all for now, and in retrospect I am grateful that these are the only things to report on for the past month. Onward and upward and wishing everyone a happy, healthy summer.

On “Race”

Until the late 19th century, race was typically based on language and nationality. Following Darwin’s published research, however, humans began to look at themselves as they would other animals. This sparked a new argument of “race” as heredity. The fundamental results were a classification of their fellow humans as “lower” and “higher” races. These ideas were proposed by Caucasian males who argued that those with Nordic traits (blue eyes, blonde hair, and fair skin) sat atop the human totem pole. They claimed that these humans were largely responsible for order, civilization, and social progress. This inherently categorized those with dark skin and dark hair as the “lower” races.

Are we supposed to believe that Caucasians with Nordic traits are genetically superior? If so, I don’t buy it. I am convinced that social history has played out the way it has by chance. Some groups have been exposed to ideas, tools, and conditions that have perpetuated the expansion of “modern” civilization. Whether or not modern civilization has been progressive (especially in terms of its ethical implications) is debatable. We are where we are today because of environmental factors that have given certain groups an advantage in exploiting their environment and other humans.

I understand this is a hot-button issue, and I am merely trying to get my tumultuous thoughts out in the open. My opinion is that hereditary superiority is a fallacy. One’s cultural environment is the sole determining factor (withholding genetic disorders) of their ability to adapt to the world. A person’s genetic traits are beneficial, or not, based on the current trends of social constructs. Unfortunately, the roots of racial bias run so deeply in the United States, that I am unsure if we will ever resolve the issue. This nation was founded by an aristocracy that exploited other human beings. It seems as if social equality was doomed from the start.

Does this mean that I have lost hope? No. I have faith that I will witness legitimate social equality in my lifetime. We have come so far since the founding of our nation, but we certainly have a long way to go. Racial, economic, and gender inequality are still rampant. Until the institutions in place undergo drastic changes, or are overthrown, systematic inequality will remain a factor for all Americans. I am not preaching anarchy or violent revolution, but changes must be made, and they must be made quickly. We are at a critical juncture in the life of our young country. We are teetering between social progress and social regression. It will be a difficult road to navigate, but I am convinced that Americans will come together to create the changes that need to be made.

The color of our skin, hair, and eyes should be a non-factor. We are all earthlings. We are all riding on the same organic spaceship, and we are (so far as we know) the only intelligent beings capable of maintaining a peaceful and ecologically sound existence on this planet. We must continue to work towards social and economic equality, clean and renewable energy, and the conservation of our natural world. We must return to living in harmony with Mother Earth and each other, or we will surely be the authors of our own demise. Be kind. Spread love. Preach peace. Together, we will make it through these hard times.

Dream Interpretation # 1 (Marble Mansion)

This is the first of my documented attempts at recounting and interpreting my dreams. I am doing this in order to tune into my unconscious mind, and in turn, further the process of my individuation. My hope is that I will eventually be able to use my unconscious and conscious minds in a harmonious and complementary unison; operating from a seat of infinite and fluid creativity as my highest Self. Here it goes…

Dream:

I am standing on a flat, pale granite plateau. There are an assortment of vehicles including cars, buses, and troop carriers in a line. Despite there being so many vehicles, there are only a handful of people. A civilian/military conflict has been resolved but we are looking for someone who has successfully avoided participation. Dynamite is thrown into a crack in the granite. The sticks explode and a massive marble mansion rises from the plateau.

A middle-aged Caucasian male with shoulder-length dark hair walks out onto the balcony. He is dressed in a gray unbuttoned dress shirt and suit coat with loafers. He seems relaxed, and welcomes me into his home. He has a European accent when speaking English, but I cannot determine where he is from. The mansion is beautiful and modern, but his wife is unhappy, and curled up on the couch facing away from us.

He gives me a tour, and explains to me that large sections of the house are unfinished, and he is sinking into debt. He mentions that he is trying to develop them into community apartments and showers, but worries that nobody will be interested. We walk to a basement level with many shower stalls. Only one shower is working. My college roommate comes out of the shower in a towel and we shake hands and chat. My roommate continues on his way. The mansion owner and I return upstairs.

I walk past the single TV in the house. It is a flat-screen of modest size, and half of it is shaded by a black curtain. I find myself in a room with my sister-in-law. She is wearing a red bikini and relaxing on a small couch. We are discussing dreams. She tells me that she is going to write a book about lucid dreaming after tripping on hallucinogenics. Apparently she has been having many lucid dreams after abusing certain substances. Her nipple slips out but it is painted over with red. We both laugh about it. Then I wake up.

Interpretation:

The civilian/military conflict and vehicles represent the situation of martial law playing out in D.C. right now. The mansion rising from the granite after sticks of dynamite being thrown at it may represent the attack on economic inequality. The wife being unhappy despite being in a massive, modern mansion may represent gender inequality issues that are also being brought to light. The man is also sinking into debt. In my eyes, the mansion, the dynamite, and the man and is wife, the civilian/military conflict, and his economic struggles are a direct reflection of the issues arising in the American social sphere right now.

My college roommate was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, and attended Cambridge on full scholarship for graduate school. I’m not sure why he is the only one in the basement using the only working shower. He may represent the need to keep my mind and intellect clean from the constant bombardment of the negativity seeping out of media platforms. The TV being half-covered by a curtain represents my efforts to filter and monitor the information I am exposing myself to. I have always been attracted to my sister-in-law, which is why she may be scantily-clad and wearing red. The nip-slip, paint covering it, and the ensuing humor, probably represent the attraction never resulting in actuality.

I am assuming she represents my anima in the dream. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Jungian psychology, the “anima” is the unconscious feminine side of a man. I am supposing that she is discussing lucid dreaming with me because of my decision to take my dreams seriously. She, on the one hand, is taking dreams so seriously that she is convinced that she will write a book on it. I disagree with the need to take hallucinogenics in order to have powerful dreams, however it may be my unconscious reminding me of the enjoyment of my experimentation with LSD. Either way, I am going to interpret this as my anima reinforcing my decision to take my dreams seriously and to strengthen my connection with my unconscious.

My interpretation may not be completely accurate, and may actually be far from it, but it is a crucial step in forming a powerful relationship with my unconscious. I am going to continue to recount and interpret my dreams in the hopes of becoming my highest Self. I have a feeling that this is going to be a profound, transformative experience.

Primal Fantasy

In my late teens, I had a recurring fantasy of traveling throughout Europe and spreading my seed wherever I went. The goal was to have as many children as possible, with as many women as possible. I chose Europe because I have an affinity for Caucasians like myself, and for some reason thought that my bastard children’s lives would be easier in the developed world. This was clearly not very well thought out, and was strictly a fantasy. I am unsure of why, but the fantasy has taken hold of me again. After having one child in wedlock, I am suddenly stricken with the desire to make as many as possible, and by any means necessary, before I die.

I have a variety of theories as to why this sudden urge is rising in me. 1. It is a natural biological instinct to have as many offspring as possible. 2. I am having a surge of testosterone from proper diet and exercise. 3. I am unhappy with monogamy. 4. I want to have more kids with my wife, but the rate of reproduction is too slow for satisfaction. 5. I am twisted and delusional and need therapy. The cause may be one, or a combination of any of the aforementioned possibilities. I am unsure, but I know that I am bombarded with the idea throughout the day.

In a perfect world, I would have the means to have a large harem of women who were popping out babies at my bidding. And by a perfect world, I mean if I were a modern-day Genghis Khan. Would it be a healthy environment for the women and children? Likely not. I wouldn’t have the time or energy to meet all of their needs. Would it be enjoyable for myself? There are certainly pros and cons. Will this fantasy ever take place. No. Is it fun to think about? Absolutely. Again, this is just a testosterone-fueled fantasy that has been on my mind lately.

Part of me feels as if it is a good sign that I have healthy levels of testosterone. Another part of me feels as if I have too much free-time on my hands. And still another part of me feels as if I am unhappy and full of regret. I love my wife and child very much. Wouldn’t it make sense that more of a good thing is better? If only it was that simple. Childish fantasies are fun to play around with, but at the end of the day, I enjoy making my best effort to meet the needs of my small family. We are healthy and happy, and maybe we will have more children in the future. For now, that is enough.