The days, weeks, and months continue to stream by like a technicolor ribbon. They seem to go faster and faster with each trip around the sun. The seasons transition in their own unique ways. I see the marks of age more clearly with each glance in the mirror. I watch my sons grow, change, and develop with mind-bending rapidity. The world around me continues to morph unceasingly. They serve as constant reminders of the preciousness of life and the inevitable passage of time.

Relationships begin and end. People and things come and go. And so too does this life. I have made a concerted effort to ground myself in these truths. The more I let go of what was, accept what is, and look forward to what will be…the better my life becomes. There is an intense sensation of freedom and relief that comes with acceptance, detachment, and a positive outlook rooted in gratitude. The more I steep myself in this practice, the more fluid and enjoyable my overall experience.

The practice itself is continual and never-ending. In a way, the striving to maintain and embody this practice is a result in and of itself…the destination really is the journey. If I was in a position to remove myself from the modern world and retreat to a remote place to fully engage in this practice, I likely would. However, I have a young family that needs me. Supporting them properly comes with necessary engagements, interactions, and involvement with society. My only option is to be as grounded, present, and self-aware as I possibly can be despite that.

There is a palpable difference in my quality of life when my practice declines, and also when it improves. It is a valuable measuring stick in so many ways. My practice has recently improved to the point where my overall quality of life is better than it has been in a very long time. My stability, communication, relationships, decision-making, outlook and overall life satisfaction have all been improved by the conscious decision to make this practice the fundamental basis of my existence. My practice is nowhere near perfect and inherently neither am I, but it has led me to a position where I once again feel capable of handling anything that comes my way.

I have accepted that I have said all that I need to or can say…and it hasn’t and won’t change your mind. I have accepted that you and I will likely never see or speak to each other the way we used to ever again. I have accepted your choice and all that comes with it in terms of you and I. I am detached from the possibility of an outcome other than the one that I have already accepted. I am looking forward to what life has in store for me, despite you not being in it currently or possibly for the remainder as well.

I have accepted your refusal to communicate about the pregnancy, the birth, and beyond. I have accepted your decision to actively deny and prevent my involvement with our son. I have accepted these things despite knowing that they are based on a narrative that is no longer true. I am detached from attempting to change your mind any longer. I have accepted that keeping your family together overrides anything and everything else. I understand your intention and I respect it. I have accepted that I don’t have an option that won’t likely cause stress for you, our son, and your family. I have accepted that I care more about your peace and happiness, and our son’s, than my own. I have accepted that being in our son’s life wasn’t meant to be…despite believing that a son should know their biological father. I have accepted that I must let go of both of you and trust that it is for the best.

I have accepted that I really am “the sacrifice” in this situation…that I have lost not only any form of a relationship with you, but also any relationship with our son as well. I have accepted that I must live my life as if I will never meet him. I have accepted that I won’t be able to see him or hold him…play with him or teach him…nurture him or raise him. I have accepted that I will likely never see you or hear from you again. I have accepted that I must live my life as if you and I, and our resulting son never happened…as if the whole thing was but a dream within a dream within a dream.

I wish things hadn’t come to this point. I wish we could have communicated throughout all of this. I wish I could at least receive updates and/or pictures as he grows up. I have accepted that it was not meant to be that way. I have accepted that everything has happened as it should have up until this point. I have accepted that things will continue to play out as they should after this as well. I am looking forward to all that life has to offer from this day forward no matter the outcome of my decision to let go.

I will sleep soundly at night knowing that I did everything I could to be involved with our son’s life. I am at peace with the knowledge that this was your decision and not my own. I am at peace with the knowledge that the truth will come out in the end if it needs to. I hope that you, our son, and your family have a good life. I hope it is full of peace and joy and fun. I will always love you and our son, and you two will always have a special place in my heart. I will always be here for him no matter what. I look forward to the day that he and I are able to form a relationship with one another. I guess only time will tell if/when that happens. Whatever is meant to be will be. So long, farewell.

“Until the lions have their own historians, the history of the hunt will always glorify the hunter.” -African Proverb

That rings true to me now more-so than ever before. It is so fitting today especially. I have recently had to sit through months of not having a voice in significant matters. My name and character have been smeared, stripped bare, and dragged through the streets for public ridicule. I was unable to defend myself/speak up for myself for the majority of the past seven months…and stories/impressions experienced first are nearly impossible to overturn once they take root.

Sadly, that is the case even if they are one-sided, skewed, biased, partially true or even untrue. I could only watch helplessly as I was essentially deserted by everyone but my mother and siblings and a few very close friends; and unable to openly communicate with and/or see those that I loved most. I wish that I could have at least told my side of the story or had an equal footing, but that was not meant to be. However, I still take full responsibility for my actions and for all of the outcomes that they brought about.

Luckily, one of those matters has come to a close. It was very difficult, but we have forgiven each other, made amends, are open and honest, and we actually have a better relationship and communicate more effectively now than we ever did in the past. We are team-working on what matters most and I am looking forward to a better future together. Unfortunately, the other significant matter is far from closure. If anything, the situation has become more convoluted and nearly impossible to navigate. A lack of communication, a lack of truthfulness, extreme biases, and continued avoidance have perpetuated a situation that has become so much more complicated than it needed to be.

I have made a firm decision to come clean, cease contributing to the convolution in my own way, and at least put all that needs to be said onto the table. It may not change anything, but I will at least have a clear conscience for the first time in a long time. This is not an attempt at disruption, but at truth and clarity. I am finally in a position where I am able to speak the truth without fear of retribution, reprimand, judgment, or loss. I am done being blamed as the source of all problems. I am finished with being used as everyone’s scapegoat. I am done being thrown under the bus. I am no longer going to allow others to have their cake and eat it too at my expense.

I am sick of being labeled, insulted, and viewed without the least bit of objectivity. I’m done. No more secrets. No more indirect communication. No more hidden solidarity. No more feeding egos and perpetuating lies. No more protecting those that don’t do the same for me. I’m done with all of it. I’m bringing all of it out into the open. I’m dumping out the proverbial can of worms. I’m telling the other side of the story that has gone untold for so long.

While this outlet is still my only voice as of right now, I am well-aware that it is read by those who want/need to read it, and that will have to suffice for now. I have attempted several times to keep this private and to handle things from within, and the olive branch I extended was thrown back in my face repeatedly. I tried. So, this is how it must be for me to speak my piece. This is not for the sake of retribution, revenge, upheaval, or drama. The following is written in the name of truth, fairness, equanimity, and clarity.

I have been labeled as: a psychopath, a sociopath, a narcissist, unstable, etc. …I have bipolar disorder. I have seen a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist for multiple months. None of the other labels are true, and I’ve actually been told that I’m far from any of them. People will latch onto anything they can (true or not) about a person or a situation to make it fit their own story.

I’m not afraid of the stigma of my disorder. But based on the previous labels, I understand why so many people don’t speak about it. Bipolar is highly treatable. Millions of people with bipolar lead “normal” lives. They have good jobs, have families, and can remain stable for many years. Based on my pre-mortem statistics, as long as I continue and maintain my treatment, there is a very high likelihood that I will continue to be (as of relatively recently truthfully) one of those millions of people living “normally” with bipolar disorder.

I have been called so many hurtful names that I won’t even begin to list them. They are so toxic and so over-the-top that they don’t deserve to be typed out. The people that continue to spew them are likely hurt, traumatized, or afraid (or all three)…and I wish them healing and peace. I continue to be insulted and criticized for any and all of my actions and inactions…even if they occurred years ago. I have been told that I am inhuman, unfit to live, lack empathy or emotion, have no moral compass…that I’m incapable of interacting with those that I love, and that I am a danger to others and always will be. I often wonder how someone must feel about themselves to say those things about someone else.

I have made several hurtful mistakes while untreated and I have apologized. I have been forgiven by those that matter. Those who continue to latch onto them are grasping at straws in order to perpetuate a conception that no longer exists. The desperation to paint me in a negative light no matter what positive changes occur is palpable. It’s absurd. That’s the only way to describe it.

“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” -Walter Langer

I have put the truth about myself and my subjective situation on the table. It is already known by most, but perhaps it provides some objectivity for those that were unsure. Many may read it and won’t change their mind and that’s fine. They are free to their opinion. I’m not looking for sympathy nor camaraderie…I’m looking for objectivity. I am going to put the situation that is still ongoing on the table as well. This is the other side of the story and one that hasn’t been told yet.

There are those that read this blog and can’t understand why I have persisted with posting about someone who has allegedly severed ties with me. The truth is that I continued posting about them because I knew that they read my posts. She would indirectly acknowledge them via Pinterest. She’s been doing it the whole time. So much so that I created my own Pinterest and we shared pins back and forth for weeks. The frequency increased (although there were admittedly several gaps) and after around ten days straight of sharing 30-40 pins each (mostly about love, life, and humor) she pinned several things about marriage and that she couldn’t do it anymore. This was about a month ago.

A few weeks ago we began communicating indirectly again via Pinterest (but with less frequency and much less about love and more about life) and this ended two days ago when I mentioned it over a voicemail. Her account was deleted shortly afterwards. I have screenshots of her saving my pins (an account she didn’t follow) if anyone questions the validity of this statement and says it was coincidental etc. Part of me hates to bring this to light. I really have done my best to shelter our solidarity and hold on to/grieve love lost together in this indirect way until now. However, the same person also had the audacity to openly state that I’m an unstable narcissist etc. to those close to me based on my blog posts.

Playing both sides is difficult. I know this…but I don’t have to play two sides anymore. It’s honestly so freeing. Maybe you won’t have to after this? Maybe I’ll be doing you a favor. Feel free to live a lie all you want, but I’m done being thrown under the bus and having my mental state questioned and ridiculed because you don’t feel like you have to tell the truth. That’s the first truth I am putting on the table. If I’m not the last one to find out, truth number two is far more significant. If it is old news to most, then that may not be the case. Either way, the truth should be made available to those that want/need to know.

All of my affairs (no pun intended) are widespread and well-known and have been put under the microscope. That’s fine. There’s nothing new and nothing left to sort through. And now the rest of everyone else’s affairs will be too. The same person who was responsible for truth number one has claimed that I need to be held responsible for our affair together and for the ensuing pregnancy. Interesting. Very interesting.

The affair lasted for a year and a half (Dec 2020-July 2022) and entailed more sexual encounters than I would like to mention. We used to talk day and night, read books together, and hung out every chance we had. But, that was all me. Right? Okay. You can blame me all you want. It takes two to tango. However, based on just truth number one, it appears I will need to shoulder full responsibility for all of it. That’s fine. I had no idea that it was so easy to “trick” and “manipulate” a cum laude senior engineer, but, I guess it is. I accept full responsibility for all of it and I am so sorry for all of the problems and turmoil that have come of it. I hope that I can be forgiven at some point for all of my misdeeds by all parties involved.

That wasn’t truth number two, although that is true. There is a sense of relief that comes with truthfulness, however, it was mostly a segue into the idea of taking responsibility that comes with truth number two. Our affair is old news and well-known. She and I have both experienced tremendous upheaval, criticism, and inexplicable backlash and fallout from it. I can empathize with what she has gone through and will likely continue to go through until the dust settles (if it ever does…it certainly hasn’t on my end). She has taken her licks, promised to reconcile with her significant other, and has agreed to stipulations (regarding contact with me that I know of) that he has set in place to save their relationship. I can respect all of that and she truly hasn’t communicated directly with me whatsoever for months. It is logical and objective and makes sense. I may be the last one to know about truth number two, but, I have a feeling that I’m not. If I am, I apologize for picking at an old wound that has potentially been healed.

Truth number two has to do with the same person who has lambasted her for our affair, made death threats about me, put in place stipulations that she must follow, and continues to make efforts to control the situation surrounding our unborn child. Truth number two is that he had his own affair that many people don’t know about yet (but I’m sure everyone will soon). That being said, I’ve taken responsibility for our affair. Has he taken responsibility for his yet?

Has he told you the truth? Has he told you that he committed adultery around ten times while you were separated but still married? Did he tell you who it was with? Did he tell you it was in your house and in your bed? Do you realize it was with someone he still talks to…someone that you’ve spoken to recently? If you don’t know yet, maybe you’ll cry when you find out, or maybe you’ll laugh…maybe both. I’m not sure if you know, but if you do, I can’t begin to describe the level of hypocrisy that you’re enduring…but it’s worth a try.

If you don’t know, he’s clearly lied to you over and over again. You told me yourself in July that he said he hadn’t cheated and that you believed him and that you trusted him. This was after his affair ended. I’m not sure if he came clean between then and now. Maybe. If you do know, why is it that he’s able to talk to his affair partner as much as he wants, yet he’s forced you to be unable to talk to yours? Why is it that you let him dictate everything about the pregnancy even while knowing he’s been unfaithful?

How could you sit there and let him continue to say extremely hurtful things about me if he’s done some of the same things that I have? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black…I really can’t begin to describe how ridiculous it is. Maybe you already know and you have made those decisions yourself regardless. I don’t know. But I do know that you deserve to know the truth. I have plenty of proof/evidence if you or anyone else claims that this is a lie, that I’m unstable, that this is delusional or an attempt to break you up etc. etc. etc. I don’t care if they think any of that. It’s true. The truth always comes out in the end.

To put it bluntly, if you don’t know about his affair, you’ve both been living a lie. You’ve been lying about your feelings and he’s been lying about his faithfulness. Also, both of you have been pointing the finger at me and blaming me for anything and everything instead of being honest with each other. And that’s the marriage that I’m supposed to be okay with our unborn son coming into? I’m not sure if/why anyone would be optimistic about that outcome. However, if you do know already and it has been reconciled, I apologize for bringing it back up. Maybe I really am the last one to find out…I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell the side of the story that hasn’t been told…all of the things that I haven’t been able to say until now. I have been as honest and as truthful as possible. I am relieved to at least feel like the truth is on the table for all to see…just as the other side has been. There are two sides to every story. Writing this has pushed me in the direction of leaving the truth out in the open, giving you both what you want (the last I heard at least), wiping my hands clean, and detaching from the situation. I’m not sure yet though. I am sure that there are two sides to every story and this one needed to be told.

“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” -Sacha Guitry